


Reign In Your Sorrows, For More Are Yet To Come

by nomical



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Episode Tag, Immortality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-02-22
Packaged: 2018-01-13 10:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1223656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomical/pseuds/nomical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He feels like he's falling, drowning, being crushed under the enormity of it all. His knees break the surface of the water and press into the muddy bottom but he can't feel it, not really, because Arthur is dead and nothing matters anymore."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reign In Your Sorrows, For More Are Yet To Come

**Author's Note:**

> Angsty ramblings set during the last quarter of 5.13 (aka me still trying to come to terms with the end of the show). If you want to feel extra sad, listen to the full version of ['A Thousand Years'](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnImthnsU7w) while reading. On repeat. Like I did while writing it. :'''D

He feels like he's falling, drowning, being crushed under the enormity of it all. His knees break the surface of the water and press into the muddy bottom but he can't feel it, not really, because Arthur is dead and nothing matters anymore. Words like 'Albion' and 'destiny' and 'failure' swirl through his mind but he can't focus on them. They press into his the outskirts of his mind and even though they're important they aren't tangible. It doesn't matter if he's failed his very purpose for being in the world, because right now his world is a single boat, floating further away and pulling his heart along with it.

He wants to die, he wants to die, he wants to die, he wants the pain to be over. But he knows now that he can't. If he could he'd walk into the lake until it closed over his head and gulp it in until his lungs filled up and he sunk to the bottom. But he's magic itself; he's one with the earth and the air and the sky. The very land itself works against him to keep him alive and either the lake would spit him out or the water would turn to air in his lungs. That's why all the poisons, all the wounds that gave him the agony of death but never the release, failed. Albion needs a keeper and its chosen him; plucked him from a life of normalcy and forced a destiny upon him. A destiny and a title in the form of Emrys. He knows in his core that he'll be alive as long as the land needs him. But what's the point of being alive if he's not whole?

Not whole because he can't be. Because while the land needed an Emrys, all Arthur ever needed was a servant. A servant to the land, a servant to the prince. And while Merlin accepted the role to fulfil his destiny, somewhere along the way things got complicated. Because Arthur never needed him for his destiny, didn't even know he had a destiny. Arthur kept him around because he genuinely liked Merlin. And though Merlin helped him in ways he'd never know, Arthur helped him just as much in return. Arthur taught him the meaning of duty, of how to be tested to the very limits of his patience, of how to fall in love deeply and uncontrollably and how to love a person with the very fibre of your being. In the end, Merlin didn't even care about his destiny, couldn't care about it when Arthur the person was so much more than Arthur the king.

It's burning in his chest and collapsing his airways and all he can do is crouch in the shallows and sob through it. Grief is an oppressive hand and he feels the full weight of it on his shoulders. The tears are so heavy they don't even well up, just fall in a steady stream into the water below. He's never wished for the pyre before, but those flames would be a welcome relief to the heat that's suffocating him, his loss manifesting as physical pain.

He can't go back to Camelot. Can't face it alone when he can feel Arthur pressed into every stone, see him in every tree. The land loved Arthur, had raised him, had coveted him. Albion had tripped up their feet, placed Arthur in Merlin's arms as he died and cradled him on his trip to Avalon. Wherever Arthur walked, Merlin could feel the very earth sing. He was its son, its father, its angel, its saviour, its king. And it had given him the best protection it could - protection in the form of Merlin. It's funny, the way he came into Arthur's service, plucked by Uther to be Arthur's, when really it was the land itself that had placed him there. Raised him and groomed him to be there for that one moment and start him down that path.

But the land didn't love Merlin in the same way it loved Arthur. Merlin was part of the land, an appendage, a tool. It loved him selfishly, confining him to a fate it needed him to have. It loved Arthur enough to let him go, let him sleep until he was ready.

But Merlin isn't just the land. He's flesh and blood and though he's immortal, he's not invincible. The world around him keeps living as he breaks down and it's not fair, not fair that the sky is still blue and the wind is still blowing because the light of his life is gone and it should matter. The heavens should open and fire should rain down from the sky because surely the world can't be the same anymore. He can't raise himself to look but he doesn't has to: just closes his eyes and feels the pulse of the earth as it beats all around him. The rhythm thrums, a slow but steady pace. And though the birds sing a brief lament, the land thrives around him, content to wait until its king returns. He keeps his eyes closed, sinks further into the silt, and tries to forget how to breathe.

It's hours before he stops gasping long enough to stand. His throat is burnt, vocal chords raw from the primal sounds of rage that escaped unchecked. Though the grief threatened to tear him apart, the land had kept hold of him tightly and refused to let him break. The earth is steady under his feet and he can feel its power soaking into the soles of his feet until he's positively saturated with it. The world is content to wait until Arthur returns and so Merlin must wait. But he won't be content about it. Won't go back to the kingdom they built together. Won't be the Merlin Arthur had helped him to become.

The world wants Emrys, so Emrys he'll be.


End file.
